A FEW GOOD MEN? THE MUSLIM AMERICAN WOMAN’S DILEMMA…
***[ Dear Goatmilk Readers, What are your thoughts on this piece? Feel free to sound off in the comments.]***
By SONDOS KHOLOKI-KAHF, Staff Writer, IN Focus Magazine
Afaf*, 25, has been searching for a husband for a solid two years to no avail.
“All my friends were getting married by the age of 22, so, naturally, I wanted to be part of the ‘wedding club,’” she recalls. “And, of course, there was this romantic notion that it would be the love story of love stories.”
Afaf started feeling the pressure as her friends talked endlessly about wedding dresses, halal caterers and honeymoons, even though she had not been planning on getting married while in college.
“For whatever reason, getting married seemed to be the only, if not main, goal they strived for,” she says. “So, I felt I had to have this goal as well, and felt lacking among my friends that I was not married upon completion of my undergraduate studies.”
Thus began her search after graduating from college. When suitors came knocking, Afaf was surprised at the mediocrity of the suitors available and was left wondering, “Where are all the ‘good guys’?”
Afaf, now a first-year law student, is one of thousands of American Muslim women between the ages of 25 and 30 struggling to find a decent suitor. Educated, pious, beautiful and accomplished, these women should have a gaggle of like-minded men waiting outside their doors. Unfortunately, the few, if any, men who approach these women appear less than satisfactory.
“I tend to meet two types [of men],” says Maryam*, 28, who has also been searching for a mate since college. “The first is the practicing Muslim brother who has his act together, but unfortunately has some really incompatible ideas about women and gender roles. The second type I meet is progressive and open-minded and is truly looking for a partner in life, but is not a practicing Muslim.”
“For me,” Afaf says, “a good man is someone who lives a balanced life between Western and Eastern culture, giving precedence to religion.”
The lack of noteworthy male suitors is a topic frequently discussed between female friends. Muslim women are frustrated with the options left, and many are worried that their degrees and careers are getting in the way of meeting Mr. Right.
“We’ve been pushing young women to get educated and to get jobs, and now they’re being penalized for their ambition,” according to Munira Ezzeldine, author of “Before the Wedding: 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married.”
“However, while these men are impressed with a successful and active woman, they do not consider her ‘marriage material,’” Ezzeldine adds. “Despite the elevation of women, many men have maintained traditional ideas as to the type of wife they seek. After all, they do not see anything wrong with the way their mother was.”
“I recently had a suitor who told me he would be willing to help me [around the house] by not making a mess,” Afaf recalls, adding he also told her she should not use her job as an excuse to ask him to help out at home.
“Furthermore, if he comes home from work hungry, I guess that would mean I would have to work part-time in order to have dinner prepared and ready when he comes home. I think that is the most frustrating aspect of being a female, only to be seen as a maid and a cook,” she says.
Dr. Maher Hathout, spokesman for the Islamic Center of Southern California, agrees. “Men are being programmed by their parents to look for a specific kind of woman: submissive, comforting, shy, and obedient,” he says. “The reality is that women are educated and looking to be comrades in marriage.”
The marriage crisis materializes when these women in their late 20s and early 30s become settled in their careers or studies and seem like less desirable options to men because they will not bend into this traditional role. While these women work on their personal goals, young Muslim men appear to give up on them and marry from “back home” or marry non-Muslims, making the pool of suitors even smaller.
“Education is becoming a sore point for the girls because the guy moves on,” says Shaikh Sadullah Khan, executive director of Religious Affairs at the Islamic Center of Irvine. “Our immigrant community has this mentality that our kid must graduate first, and for the girl, we’re stressing graduation versus marriage.”
Indeed, a startling number of young Muslim women are finding themselves scrambling to find a husband before reaching their 30s and possibly never marrying. Many accomplished and educated young women end up lowering their standards for the sake of avoiding lifelong loneliness.
“Unless this crisis is addressed seriously, honestly and scientifically, it will lead to the disintegration of our community through a dilution of the next generation Islamically, a sudden revolt against marriage by women or a decrease in self-esteem among wives who lowered their standards just to marry,” Hathout warns.
One young Muslim bachelor still searching for a spouse shares his take on the seeming lack of “good guys” on his weblog, “Marriage & Islam: The Quest for the Sweet One.” In the post, Quest, as he is called to maintain anonymity, states that the worthiest bachelors start looking for a spouse when they are in their early 20s to “satisfy their built-in, intense desire for women. … And this desire is always there, in the back of every man’s mind since puberty, like a ticking [bomb].”
These young, pious men begin looking for a wife, Quest reasons, who is closest to their age — basically, 19 to 21 years old.
“And what are these ‘good, smart ambitious girls’ doing when they’re in that age range?” Quest writes. “They’re also busy working on their education” and aren’t considering marriage. Or those who are considering marriage may be in a different location, so the two never meet, and the bachelors get fed up and marry from back home, he says.
Essentially, Quest emphasizes that the lack of a meeting forum is at the heart of the issue. “I think that is the BIGGEST problem – Muslims are scattered all over the country, and we’re not well connected. It’s hard to identify, know about, and meet the families of all the ‘good girls’ in a major metropolitan city, let alone the country,” he explains. “We put all these obstacles between faithful Muslim guys and girls, that I think even a Muslim Tom Cruise would have a hard time marrying!”
With the current circumstances at hand, Ezzeldine advises young women to plan realistically. “You have to realize that you can’t have it all,” she says. “It’s not going to be a fairy-tale where you excel at school, work 40-hour weeks, and marry a perfect guy. If you want to focus on a job or a higher degree, know that you might not have time to meet people.”
Quest echoes this sentiment by clarifying that women shouldn’t have to give up their goals, but should realize that in doing so, they are taking a risk. “The longer they delay marriage in favor of education, the less [number of ] eligible men they’ll meet once they’re ready for marriage,” he says. “And marriage and education are not necessarily conflicting. With the right husband, both can continue. It’s definitely a topic that should be brought up when considering a potential husband,” he adds.
Dr. Hathout also favors a path that allows for both education and marriage to flourish simultaneously. “We need to change the current family model into one that builds the self, the family, and each other at the same time,” he says. “Think of marriage as a tennis match — you want to play doubles, not singles, to win. In other words, struggle together and build your empire together. You are ready for marriage as long as you can get food on the table and a roof over your head, and there’s a potentiality for growth,” he stresses.
Ezzeldine draws on the life of the Prophet Muhammad for guidance, specifically the example of his relationship with Khadijah.
“The Prophet’s first wife, Khadijah, was an established career woman who was 15 years older than her husband,” Ezzeldine says. “Khadijah was a very confident and successful woman who actually proposed to the 24-year-old Muhammad. Yet, the Prophet was not intimidated by her nor found her ‘unmarriageable.’ They maintained a strong marriage as she continued to be a businesswoman, as well as wife and mother.”
Ezzeldine goes on to remind Muslims that Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah were married for 28 years, the longest of all his marriages. “Many Muslim women seek not to compete with men, but rather to establish a partnership with their spouse,” she continues. “Ultimately, these women want to be cherished and loved in the same way that the Prophet loved Khadijah. This type of partnership in marriage can only exist when both people are accepting and respectful of one another’s ambitions and priorities in life.”
Afaf has not given up searching for Mr. Right, but meanwhile uses school as a welcome distraction. “I used to be obsessed about marriage until I entered law school,” she says. “Pursuing my graduate studies has really allowed me to learn a lot about myself and to focus on things that matter. It is very sad to see girls who are 22 and depressed as to why they are not married. I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn’t define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree.”
* Names have been changed.
SONDOS KHOLOKI-KAHF, Staff Writer, IN Focus Magazine
[...] A FEW GOOD MEN? THE MUSLIM AMERICAN WOMAN’S DILEMMA… [...]
The elusive Muslim partner is out there… Apparently « Days of an Arabian Life…
June 10, 2008 at 7:45 am
As a muslim married man, I have some advice for the younger males.
First of all, I have found that most are hypocritical… When looking for a muslim woman, they expect her to be submissive and waiting on them hand and foot. Yet, when they can’t find one they opt for a western woman, who doesn’t do any of those things anyway.
Muslims need to change their perspectives, and realize that they are not violating Islamic laws by doing so.
You have put it really well in your article by stating that marriage should be seen as an equal partnership, like tennis doubles, rather than a singles match. Also, the example of the Prophet (sws) and Bibi Khadija (rda) are perfect.
As one imam during a Friday Khutbah put it, as muslims we need to be flexible like palm trees, not rigid as oak trees. The branches of an oak tree break in a storm or with strong winds. Yet a palm tree bends with the wind or violent storms.
Ali
Ali
June 11, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Why do these girls think they deserve “Mr. Right” in the first place. This article serves to validate my opinion that Muslim girls in America live in a bubble, they’re dancing around frolicking Tralalala, i want mr. right, cuz im a perfect little wholesome muslima angel, I’m daddy’s little princess’, I’m a Jewel, protected from the big bad evil world.
Anyone heard of the “J.A.P” (Jewish American Princess) well how about the “M.A.P” – the Muslim American Princess. You arent perfect either, don’t think that your shit don’t stink, cuz it do.
Omar
July 29, 2008 at 12:53 am
Hey! easy guys – think and wish good and it will happen.
Reema
December 2, 2008 at 4:30 am
Looks like the battle of the sexes wages on.
Joe
December 4, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Personally, I’m experiencing Schadenfreude at these girls’ expense.
‘Thus began her search after graduating from college. When suitors came knocking, Afaf was surprised at the mediocrity of the suitors available and was left wondering, “Where are all the ‘good guys’?”
[ . . . ]
“I tend to meet two types [of men],” says Maryam*, 28, who has also been searching for a mate since college. “The first is the practicing Muslim brother who has his act together, but unfortunately has some really incompatible ideas about women and gender roles. The second type I meet is progressive and open-minded and is truly looking for a partner in life, but is not a practicing Muslim.”’
Imad
March 26, 2009 at 11:43 am
This article sheds light on the true situation of American Muslim women. However, it thumps all the blame on the men, their families and backward culture. How ignorant do you have to be to not even look at your own faults? the author actually tries to prove the notion of marrying older women islamic which i thought was disgusting. Rasulallah (s.a.a.s.) always advised us to get married asap whne we had the means. You deviate from the islamic principle and place the blame on the other party. The women who fall in this category usually reflect Afaf’s arrogance when they complain about the ‘good guys’. Excuse me, but the last time i checked, you prioritized your career above marriage and looked down upon women who were homemakers. In islam, the woman’s duty (fardh)is to raise children and take care of the household, work is optional; but i guess that was too boring for you. Always remember that this life is temporary. instead, you want daycare to raise your children. you want it all(rich husband, career, million dollar mahr, nuclear family). sorry to say, but this just reflects the materialism and individualism that growing up in America has put into your hearts. there is no concept of humility, compromise and shyness here. You need to purify youself first b4 complaining. Salam and good luck!
non-ABCD
March 26, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Although non-ABCD’s comments are caustic there seems to be wisdom in what he says. I would urge you ladies to read this article. http://www.slate.com/id/2188684/
The bottomline is, Dont wait forever to find Mr.Right. He is not there & neither are you perfect. Almost perfect should do. Good luck to you ladies.
GoGirls
March 27, 2009 at 3:00 pm
agree 100% with non-ABCD.
Muslim
March 27, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Problem is not just men tangled up in their preconceptions of “a female, only to be seen as a maid and a cook,” but also educated women are not programmed to “establish a partnership with their spouse,” these women rather “looking to be comrades in marriage” while keeping their strong ideals of a provider and a protector of the family. They are looking for “educated, pious, beautiful and accomplished,” men nothing less. not just pious and supportive. After marriage they push their ideals on to their partners to fulfill traditional roles and responsibilities without being asked themselves to do the same.
The men who marry non-Muslims, avoid being dragged into this conflicting traditional life without having traditional wife. A non-Muslim woman, who keeps her sphere of interest her set of responsibilities and independence while letting her partner his sphere of space seems to be better choice for them.
Muslim educated women, tends to have the best of the both world, the best only for themselves and not for the couple its like eating your cake and have it too.
Wonderer
March 30, 2009 at 6:14 am
I completely agree with non-ABCD. There are too many woman who are striving for the best careers, best education instead of striving for a marriage partner. I myself am trying very hard to get a good career that at least match what the woman are striving for. She’s trying to be a lawyer?! By doing that, she eliminated the possibility of a lot of marriage partners, because assuming she will make at least a good amount of money, all those good muslim men will not want to marry a woman who makes more money than them, because they are the ones who are supposed to taking care of the financial situation. The muslim women need to realize that all muslim men cannot be doctors, lawyers, dentists, etc., because that’s what they would have to be in order for a muslim woman who makes good money to want to marry them. Marriage priorities should be emphasized.
Jman
March 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm
The best way is the way of the Sunnah.
The man is responsible for providing the money and the woman is responsible for maintaining the house. Men or women who aren’t humble enough to realize this should not expect to find a decent spouse.
S
March 30, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Honestly, non-ABCD did a pretty good job covering it. Everyone agrees that no one was, is, or ever will be perfect, other than the Prophet (S) and so the fact that people nitpick at each other’s mistakes very closely before taking a look at themselves first, is where most of the problems start. Why are there elevated standards? What does that say about a person’s humility? The mentality that there are “A few good men”, I think is a very closed-minded approach. Similarly, men can argue that there are “a few good women”. It works both ways. What makes a woman criticize a man when sometimes, women are victims of the same problems?
Also, its a bit stereotypical to conclude that men expect their wives to be servants and cook food along with catering to the husband and children. Islam is a religion that was sent for all times. It wasn’t just for the era of the Prophet (S) and his Companions (RA), rather because of the fact that it’s so universal, along with being the truth and several other reasons, it’s the fastest growing religion in the world. Just because society brings about change doesn’t mean that people should compromise their religious views to conform to society’s norms. Personally, it seems a bit selfish and self-conscious to me only because it just appeals to people more. It’s the easy way out, so they find themselves doing whatever it is that they want, regardless of the fact that it falls into the confines of the religion. (This applies to both men and women) Therefore no one should get offended when the hadith is stated in regards to the women’s roles in Islam. This is not to shun them from doing anything, or excelling in life, or succeeding, rather it just comes down to the fact that Allah made both genders with their respective qualities. Women have emotional superiority as they have capability to give birth, subhanallah, I don’t think anyone can argue that a man has the [power to give birth and raise the child with the love and patience] all in one, of a mother. At the same time, men have been created with physical strength for the purpose of supporting the internal affairs of the wife. If people want to really know how men should treat their wives, read up on how the Prophet (S) treated his wives, how he loved them, teased them jokingly and respectfully, and how he would play games with them. He and Aisha (RA) would race in the desert. Things of that sort.
Just the notion that women who pursue their education and find it difficult to get married bothers me. As mentioned previously, the Prophet (S) DID say that marriage completes half of your faith, and that people should get married once they hit Puberty. That’s no joke. There’s an importance placed on the haste of marriage, not to say that the minute you hit 12 or 13, you have to get married, it’s just a mere example that education can continue post marriage as well.
Sorry for the long post. Massalamah.
Intrigued
March 30, 2009 at 8:17 pm
I am looking for marriage, but can’t find the decent girl who knows and fears ALLAAH. Here is my email,
albaraawi@gmail.com
Kazee
April 3, 2009 at 12:45 am
[...] leave a comment » Azaad Raha responding to the now famous “A Few Good Muslim Men” article [...]
A Muslim Man’s response to “A Few Good Muslim Men” « GOATMILK: An intellectual playground edited by Wajahat Ali
April 7, 2009 at 6:33 am
[...] A muslim man’s response to a few good men. [...]
Muslim American Marriage Dilemma « An Account of Thought
April 7, 2009 at 11:54 am
- Knock Knock..
– Who is there?
– Disillusioned men and women.
Let me make it short and sweet.
1 – The problem with men: We enjoy the double standard life we are living. We like to flirt around, make out and enjoy your youth years and when it comes to stability, we tend to look for the perfect female partner who would take care of the children and the house and us. Prequisites: Never-been-touched-relgious-preferably gorgeous-well-educated woman.
Conclusion: Men follow the culturally acceptable norm that men are allowed to flirt around while women are not. If you want to defy this norm, go ahead. It is futile. You are a needle in a big haystack of muslims who will relentlessly oppose this.
2- The problem with women: Everything was going fine at some point in history until some american woman decided to wear jeans and spark the beginning of feminism globally. I am not against jeans. I am not for women sitting at home washing my feet in a big basin full of scented water and cutting my toe nails. BUT it is worth mentioning, that this feminist movement have somehow brainwashed women in a way that made them more oriented to prove that they are as equal and as capable as men in terms of the job market and career prospects.
Question: Are they more inferior than men in corporations?
Answer: No! They might be even better than some men.
Question: Does that mean that men and women are not really that different?
Answer: THEY ARE DIFFERENT. That is the whole point. That is part of the life cycle. We should be different. However, men and women end up challenging each other over superiority instead of enjoying the synergy of what marriage should be.
Conclusion:
Think of a relationship as a trade transaction between two countries. Each country has a competitive advantage in one field than the other.
Example: MAN : 50 Points for work. 10 points for raising children.
WOMAN: 50 points for work 50 points for raising children.
In a an efficient scenario, although both man and woman could have the same value at work, it is obvious that the woman would be able to raise the children more efficiently. Why? Because women are more emotionally intelligent than men who usually rely on logic than emotions. Hence, this emotional superiority is what keeps the children in good shape.
In a another scenario, both man and woman are working. getting the 100 points worth of work and leaving the children to be raised by a maid, daycare provider, etc… thus, cutting what should be stronger ties with their own children and leaving a crucial task to large some of unknown variables to be processed by an non-nuclear family member.
Question: SO ARE YOU SAYING THAT WOMEN ARE MADE TO STAY AT HOME AND RAISE THE KIDS?
No. they are not made to stay at home and raise the kids. What i am saying that they are better than men in raising the kids. As for the cooking and the sorts, men should just get a hold of themselves and start cooking with their wives for a change. There is nothing “unmanly” about that. Best chefs in the world are male. Nothing beats the feeling that your wife would get a cooked breakfast to bed from you on a friday morning or something.
One more thing:
Girls: Work. No problem. Follow your career. No problem either. As long as it is not affecting your children’s upbringing.
Men: Synergize.
Cheers,
The Gentleman Caller
April 10, 2009 at 1:42 pm
To the Gentleman Caller,
Everything you said is pretty much the truth, in terms of WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. It sounds very unpalatable, I must admit, but that’s how things happen in the REAL WORLD.
So although there shouldn’t be a double standard, and men shouldn’t prefer the ‘back-home-foot-scrubbing-back-rubbing-children popping-gourmet-cooking Stepford Wife’, a lot of them DO. They prefer all of that without bringing the Man Equivalent to the table, and somehow think they deserve it. And a lot of them get a close approximation of this. It’s not impossible to obtain.
Fatima
April 10, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I am speaking from my experience and I disagree with the notion that women have delayed marriage in favour of their careers and that’s why they’re having problems marrying. In fact I think it’s quite the opposite! Alot of sisters I know wanted to get married young but the brothers were all going back home to India/ Pakistan and whereever else to get married. They just didn’t want to marry sisters from the UK full stop! Usually their mothers would advise against it. My mother advised my 4 brothers against marrying in the UK, because the women from back home would wait on you morning and evening, take care of the whole house including the extended family, not have an opinion of their own to express/ or be too afraid to express it and would look after your parents in their old age. And if there’s trouble, you threaten to send her back home. On the whole you would have an easier life. Women from here (UK) would want a more equal division of labour and you’re not going to do that.
The sisters in the UK carried on their education in order to place their energies into something more constructive until someone decent came along. I have yet to meet a sister who has turned down a good prospective partner saying, ‘sorry, I’m still studying’ – that has never happened!!
Incidentally, my friends from school who didn’t put their energies into something more constructive (by studying) ended up dating, taking drugs and becoming single mothers.
As ‘the mother is the first school for a child’ and ‘to educate a woman is too educate a nation’. I don’t see why a womans’ education is a problem. If anything it is men that have been conditioned to desire submissive, housemaids as wives from back home, under the guise of ‘they’re more practising back home’. But they’re not. Women in the UK are more practising than the women from back home.
Farzana
April 15, 2009 at 10:05 am
It really annoys the heck out of me when girls brought up in Pakistan and India are made out to be illiterate, submissive, lowlife types, with no goals, aspirations or opinions; in short the lesser human beings. I find the girls brought up here have a superiority complex. The truth is that the men are not going to Pakistan and India to get married because girls there are mousy. They are going back because girls here are arrogant!
Best regards
To Farzana
August 4, 2009 at 3:47 am
to Non-ABCD
“the author actually tries to prove the notion of marrying older women islamic which i thought was disgusting”
Why is this disgusting? It is a fact that the Prophet (SAW) did marry an older woman – what is wrong with that?
I am also surprised that so many people agree that Muslim women are choosing careers over men- why can’t we have both? It is not selfish. Maybe the problem is the men are too insecure-
as JMAN put it:
“The muslim women need to realize that all muslim men cannot be doctors, lawyers, dentists, etc., because that’s what they would have to be in order for a muslim woman who makes good money to want to marry them.”
Why does a man need to make more money than a woman anyway in order to marry her? Or- why should a woman dumb herself down just so she can attract the larger population of men who are perhaps less educated than her?
Muslim men- women are out there and want families too-and aren’t all super feminists because we work and are educated. Don’t lump all of us American Muslim women in one group. As my mother always says- all five fingers are not alike.
AmericanGirl
April 21, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Wow. All I can say is WOW. I work because I HAVE TO, not necessarily because I WANT to. Both of my parents are deceased, I am the eldest child, no brothers, and even if my parents were still alive, my parents (Americans through and through) would still not be supporting me financially. If I had the option to be a “stay-at-home” mom, believe me, I would. It would just be nice to have a freaking break from the drudgery of going to work every day. And besides that, I love kids and really want to raise them MYSELF, not have someone at a daycare raise them. I can’t believe all the ignorant brothers who actually believe that we single muslimas would rather go to school/work than get married. DO you ACTUALLY BELIEVE that???? I’ve been trying to get married since I was 30 (about the time I re-verted to Islam) and still not finding Mr. Right. It is most definitely NOT because I put off marrying because of school or my career. In fact, I did no such thing. In the non-muslim world there are 20-somethings chasing me because they think i’m anywhere between 25-28 years old, but in the muslim world no one wants to marry a good muslima who’s just barely turned 38. How UNFAIR is THAT??????!!!!!!! Oh, and not to mention the fact that I’m white…. oh yeah, the “religiously-elite potential mother-in-laws” don’t dig their darker-complected sons marrying white girls, don’t ya know. I really want to know how my being white has ANYTHING TO DO WITH ISLAM and not being a suitable wife!
single38goingon25
June 11, 2009 at 10:29 am
Afaf hopefully I can understad u…..but u know same thing hpnd with boys also……dnt bother hopefully u wil get someone super dude some day…..n rememder it’s never too late
Asad khan
August 21, 2009 at 10:33 pm
[...] A FEW GOOD MEN? THE MUSLIM AMERICAN WOMAN’S DILEMMA… [...]
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February 9, 2010 at 9:30 am
how or why is this a ‘muslim’ issue is beyond me. that is so myopic.
a.q.s.
April 1, 2010 at 1:45 am