A Muslim Man’s response to “A Few Good Muslim Men”
Azaad Raha responding to the now famous “A Few Good Muslim Men” article
“Under thy nose” by AZAAD RAHA
“Where have the good Muslim men gone?”In the league table of futile statements, this surely ranks up there.
Why?
Because aside from being defeatist and self-delusional, this statement exemplifies the very mindset which is the principle reason why so many Muslim women are single in the first place.
Let me explain.
First, to really appreciate this statement and all that it represents, you have to consider both the context in which it is uttered, and the reasoning behind it. The context is sadly an increasingly common one – namely an increase in the number of single, thirty-something Muslim women, who are finding it difficult to get married. It is heartbreaking, and represents a failure on an individual and community level. They are our sisters, our daughters, and our friends. We feel for them, but it is also the time for some home truths.
“Where have the good Muslim men gone? The danger of this statement and mentality is that it is designed to reassure women that there really is a shortage of good Muslim men.
This prevents Muslim women from understanding the reality of the situation; that for most of them, the reason they are still single is because of their past actions and their attitudes towards men and marriage.
By make-believing that the only reason they are not married is down to a lack of good men, they effectively absolve themselves from responsibility for their situation. This subconscious defense mechanism, prevents much needed introspection by conveniently laying the blame elsewhere. We all make mistakes, however this failure to look deep within and recognize them, prevents many single Muslim women from addressing the root cause of their predicament – their attitudes towards men and marriage.
In my experience, most of these women have met and rejected many good men over the years, before they got to the situation where they now find themselves, i.e. the once steady stream of suitors has dried to a trickle. I have many thirty+ single friends whose continual lamentations about the ‘shortage’ of ‘good men’ I have to endure at every gathering, however I also know that during their twenties they turned down many good, decent men. Of course, those men are now happily married.
Over the years I’ve quizzed my friends on the reasons they rejected the men, and in addition to being floored by the sudden immaturity of these otherwise intelligent women, I came to realize that the Muslim woman of today is not looking for a ‘good man’ until very late in the day. This is the core problem and the tragedy is that these women don’t even realize it. If they did, they would have realized that the ‘good men’ were all around them, they were their friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.
The quiet guy in the prayer room who gave salaams, then moved on, rather than standing around and flirting. There is something beautiful about a young Muslim man who is shy around women. It is something to be applauded, not criticized.
However these are exactly the types of men young Muslim women are NOT interested in (until they hit their 30’s or have otherwise been ‘played’ by someone). Despite their most ardent protests, deep down most women are attracted to the ‘bad guys’, they like the guy who is charming, confident around women, dressed well, funny, i.e. they want the guy that all the girls want, and nowhere in their vocabulary do you hear the words ‘good man’ till they hit 30.
Many years ago, a Muslim girl, S.S (name withheld to protect the innocent) wrote a response on a well known Islamic website, which I include here, verbatim:
“If only our mothers didn’t raise us to grow into such Nakhra [drama] queens, we would know what we are missing out on. All men want is acceptance, and we tend to tear them apart starting from their walk, to their talk, the clothes they wear, the food they eat, the sports they play or the books they read or don’t read. Who would have thought that we would turn into such vicious and mean people one day? But evidently we are who we are and men don’t like that.”
So very true. Men are simple – despite all the bravado and chest beating, all we want is to be accepted for who we are. It really is that simple. However, Muslim women seem to have been programmed to criticize. Rather than recognizing what a man has to offer, they focus on what he doesn’t have to offer, and then complain when they find themselves still single.
Now, I don’t want this to turn into a battle of the sexes, as this won’t achieve anything.
As Muslim men, we are guilty of much. We are frequently preoccupied with beauty at the expense of all else, despite clear guidance from our creator and his messenger not to do so.
However, in general, we also recognize our flaws and don’t externalize our own shortcomings by complaining about a ‘lack of good women’.
As a community we have go beyond mutual recriminations and work collaboratively to address these challenges. However, as a first step we need open and honest dialogue. Whilst this article may seem harsh, it represents the reality of what many Muslim men think about Muslim women.
The truth is, we are all in this together. The women who are struggling to get married are our sisters and our daughters, and they should not have to live in loneliness. However, there is also something fundamentally wrong with the way many Muslim women today view men and marriage.
So single-Muslim-women-who-are-finding-it-hard-to-get-married, rather than mulling over a non-existent shortage of ‘good men’, think hard, look within and most importantly, humble yourselves. Perhaps the thing which you are seeking is right under your nose.
Preach brother!
wwiras88
April 7, 2009 at 8:01 am
[...] A few good men? [...]
Muslim American Marriage Dilemma « An Account of Thought
April 7, 2009 at 11:54 am
This article came off sounding a bit vindictive at the start but I think it’s a good representation of how many single Muslim men feel.
Jaas
April 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm
so annoying! “until very late in the day” – how provincial! as though they have to nubile young things to be worthy of consideration. perhaps they simply needed time to mature before rushing into ridiculous marriages aged 19 at the behest of an overly backward community. not all of us believe that there is a best age for marriage
hh
April 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm
You seem to lay the blame on women’s inability to decide on a suitor when the obvious reason is pure demographics. If you start with an equal number of men and women, then some of the men marry outside the faith (since it is religiously permissible) or marry someone from abroad (something that is more difficult for women to do), you are obviously going to have a shortage of marriageable men, good or not. That is the core of the problem.
Shahed
April 7, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Interesting…. though the first response maybe one of anger or “yeah, that’s right” (depending what side you’re on), there is truth in this article. There is truth to both sides of the table. What needs to be done is to put more of these “truths” on the table and we need to be mature enough to create respectable discussion around these “truths.” To be honest, I hear from my female friends about the “lack of good men” and I think, what am I and our male friends, horse meat (is that halal…off topic)? At other times, I see what my female friends have accomplished, their strong faith and identity, their activism, and I find it hard to place my male friends in the same category. Then we do have MAPs (Muslim American Princesses) and we have momma’s boys who no women is good enough for. We also have men who marry non-muslims or go back to their or their parents respective country to buy a wife or sell themselves. We have all of that and much much more. It all needs to be on the table and we need to be mature enough to discuss, debate, and work together for solutions. Whether it’s teaching people necessary social skills or setting better examples in how to raise kids so these are not issues we have in the future or whatever else the answer(s) must be, we must continue moving forward and it won’t always be fun or nice.
Aamer
April 7, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I think both genders, and many cultures, are guilty of rejecting potentials based on inane qualities that are not particularly important to the health of a marriage, but I would hesitate to say that all unmarried women over 30 are still single because it’s their fault. In a way, that is a natural psychosis that is just irresponsible to feed into by articles such as this with a petty and generalizing tone — Wrong in the same way it would be wrong to say “it’s everyone else’s fault but mine” as the women’s side article alluded to.
Marriage, like Life, is complicated and its never black & white — women can’t say that it’s all the mens’ fault for not being just the right blend of religiousness, and men can’t say that it’s all the women’s fault for being too picky. And yet that sounds exactly like what these two posts have said.
Anjum
April 7, 2009 at 3:45 pm
“However, in general, we also recognize our flaws and don’t externalize our own shortcomings by complaining about a ‘lack of good women’.”
Well, not to oversimplify, but a lot of men consider a good woman as someone who is chaste, wears hijab, and is young.
There are tons of females who fit that description. The motherlands are practically teeming with such women.
I think this illustrated by the fact that men are more willing to go ‘back home’ to procure a wife, and women who live in the West are more reluctant to do so.
That should speak volumes about how men and women percieve ‘good’ mates. For example, more women than men are converting to Islam. There is also a larger amount of female reverts than male reverts. Women want a matching religious counterpart who is educated like them, and will be able to communicate on their level. A lot of men who have reverted don’t really need a wife with the same characteristics: if it’s his job to work and make the money, and set the tone of Islam in his house, he doesn’t urgently need a partner who can match up to him trait by trait. I’m sure it would be nice to have, but he doesn’t really require this. A religious minded educated woman with a weakly religious and barely educated husband is in a whole different ballgame.
This is not to say that your article didn’t make many good points, it did, but you have to understand that Muslim women born and raised in the West are in a vastly different position than their male counterparts. It’s not always practical (hello Greencard alert) to marry someone from ‘back home’. but many men don’t mind as much because their idea of a good woman has more to do with her youth and housekeeping skills. And I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is really very true.
Fatima
April 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm
*Just to clarify, by ‘chaste’ I mean based on what we can outwardly assume. We have to have a good opinion of our brothers and sisters unless otherwise proven!
Fatima
April 7, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I don’t think there is much to the ‘observations’ of the person who wrote the original article. I agree with one of the earlier commentens that at least some of this is about demographics. But I can also not believe that this would seriously be about good looks and outer attraction.
Many of the reasons for Muslim women not finding spouses are not very different from those of other women in western societies where the percentage of persons of marriagable age who are single is constantly rising.
I think our expectations of companionship and marriage have changed which makes it harder to find the right person. But there are issues more significant than looks or even wealth that make it hard for Muslim women to find men.
Over the last years I have observed many of my women friends getting into this bind. The more educated and successful a Muslim woman is the less likely she will find someone to marry. It is treated like a disability. Either there are no marriage prospects (we used to joke that every successful step in grad school took points off on the marriage market) or women are expected to apologize for their education or in my view worse, are expected to be grateful that their potential spouse would ‘allow’ them to continue their education or career. If you look at matrimonial sites for Muslims (and I have done some serious research on that) you will find a pattern that still baffles me: men are looking for women who are significantly younger, not very educated and preferably of the same ethnic background (this means men in their thirties look for women under 25 who have a high school diploma). I read these as saying that most men want a young women they can form and make into the spouse they actually want.
These are all factors that exclude women in their thirties who are educated and potentially restrict their pool of marriage candidates. And again, according to polls, American men generally are uncomfortable with a woman who is making more money or has more education that they do.
One additional concern that was also not mentioned is religious compatibility and that is hard to define but also hard to find and a serious question. Hijab or not, religious practice, religious education for children,upholding particular religious traditions are all things that need to somehow match.
Juliane
April 7, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I’m a male convert. I just want to get that out of the way first. The important part of it is I’m a male.
I went through a long period of being single. During that time, my single buddies and I would lament how we were all nice guys and women don’t want nice guys. It’s an easy thing to tell yourself. The truth is, it really was a problem with me.
The women I dated who it didn’t work out with – at the time, I wanted nothing more than to find fault with them or cry about how women don’t want a nice guy. Looking back, I can say they lost patience with me because I was too immature. It wasn’t that I was too nice or whatever, it was that I was a bad fit for them.
The knife cuts both ways, though. I had many women chase after me and I wasn’t interested in them because they weren’t the sort of mate I wanted. In all of their cases, they weren’t bad women and I’m sure they felt that a nice guy like me was only interested in some lofty ideal. (I was, and thank God, she’s going to marry me!) But there was nothing flawed with them, it’s just I knew they weren’t the correct match for me.
My heart truly does go out to women who are over 30 and unmarried. It’s unfair of us, as men, to look at them and say, “Why weren’t you taking the good men when you were younger?” In many cases, they hadn’t found the right good man. There are probably a few who missed out on a good guy or two when they were younger and didn’t know what they wanted yet, but who knew what they wanted when they were in their 20s?
Kenny
April 7, 2009 at 6:38 pm
The article, strikes me as being reactionary in tone, though it makes a few good points. The overall tone of the article seems to simply shift blame, and so I don’t imagine it will be very effective.
I would much rather hear from the experience of those Muslim guys who have tried to get married, but likewise have found difficulty, frustration etc. Perhaps that would be more insightful and helpful in overcoming the barriers that prevent Muslim marriage, and also furthering the dialogue. Shahed makes a point about sheer statistics. More men look outside the community than women, thus creating a shortage of men. But the shortage far exaggerates the number of men looking outside the community. Most guys, I know, would much rather stay within the community, but likewise find the entire process to be fraught with difficulty and frustration, so they, as more Muslim women are, looking elsewhere.
Mohammed Husain
April 8, 2009 at 1:33 am
I wholeheartedly agree with Kenny, first and foremost.
Second, I take serious issue with the essentialist construction of women’s natures: “Muslim women seem to have been programmed to criticize. Rather than recognizing what a man has to offer, they focus on what he doesn’t have to offer, and then complain when they find themselves still single.” “Despite their most ardent protests, deep down most women are attracted to the ‘bad guys’.”
That’s just as much of as stereotype as saying that all men want “obedient wives” from “back home.” Neither is fair to the other gender, but both types of statements discount the complexity of the other gender’s wants and needs in a partner.
Fatemeh
April 8, 2009 at 3:14 am
Also, I’d like you to clarify this statement: “I came to realize that the Muslim woman of today is not looking for a ‘good man’ until very late in the day”
I read that as implying that Muslim women who don’t feel ready to make room in their life for a man and/or children, or want to finish their educations first, aren’t deserving of good men. Is this how you intended it?
Fatemeh
April 8, 2009 at 3:19 am
I had to double check to make sure my mom didn’t write this article!
fatnurmaz
April 9, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I would like to add a few references that may be quite helpful in understanding our own individual flaws and redirect our focus in a more proactive way.
1) Qur’an (let’s go back to the source!)
2) The Muslim Marriage Guide by: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood (click on a chapter and read in full for free http://www.ymsite.com/books/tmmg/default.htm )
3) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by: John Gray, Ph.D (visit for synopsis and reviews http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=92-9780060739539-0 )
All the best!
basheera
April 9, 2009 at 10:06 pm
The definition of a good man as I understand it is someone who is an M.D. and has a 50,000 square foot home with a maid, a cook, a driver for the Rolls Royce or Bentley, and of course I can’t leave out the private jet. At least that’s how it works in the Desi community and the guy has to look like Brad Pitt. The list is actually a lot longer than this I just wanted to summarize the main points.
Wordy
April 11, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I’m a little insulted, not all of us can’t recognize a good guy when we see or meet him as it would be, but its a little hard when they aren’t willing to make a move and say to a friend or someone that you mutually know that they like you and would like to consider marrying you. We aren’t mind readers, if you like us say something, we aren’t always going to know.
I’m as much a hopeless romantic as the next girl but why is it the women who want the brad pitt of muslim men are the ones being interviewed about getting married, instead of the majority of us who are looking for that quiet, pious muslim guy, but are having an equally hard time for actually many reason’s, not because we want and M.D. with all the workings, but also because so many parents refuse to allow their children to marry outside their cultures (I know this from personal experience)and our parents don’t want us getting married because they want us to finish our education. We can’t seem to win.
Karadyan
April 12, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I agree with Mohammad Husain, there is an extremely reactionary tone here.
It leaves me wondering what the point of the article was…as the author did not truly respond to the original article.
Yes, for many there is an underlying definition of a “Good Man”, however, a man that is financially well off and that comes from an excellent family are not the definition for everyone.
For me, it would be someone that is a practicing Muslim (neither to far to the right or left…balanced), someone that is sincere, compassionate, loving, that is handling his business (has a job and preferably an education). Education for me personally is important, although I do not require a PhD, MD or Esq.
I think that as women, if we have not met someone prior to college and chose to commit to that person, it gets harder. Simply because once you begin your career, you spend more time at work than you do anywhere else. And unless you meet someone there, you have to make serious time to meet people elsewhere and this goes for men as well. However, for women, the longer you work, the more people believe that you are setting marriage on the back burner.
There seems to be a catch 22 for women. Become educated because there are no guarantees in life. Or get married and leave education to others. I know this is a general statement…but we all know the women that got married young and ended up never pursuing education because of children and other family responsibilities. But education does not mean that we don’t want family. Again, nothing is guaranteed in life and God forbid my husband die and I am left to take care of a family with no skills or education. I have witnessed this on numerous occasions and these situations contributed to my personal drive to complete my undergrad degree before marriage. Funny thing is, all the proposals that were coming in before college and during stopped at the mention of my wanting to obtain my degree before marriage. And none of the men called back upon the time of graduation. There could be many reasons why, however I doubt that all of those men were married by the time I graduated.
Let’s go back to the “Good Man” scenario. Was I supposed to take the jobless, education less guy that was living in his mother’s basement seriously? There are requirements that must be met Islamically when seeking marriage. One of them is maintenance. He may have been a nice guy, but he could not provide for me or a family.
Or, should I have accepted the twice divorced guy that tried to force me to marry him in four months…by the way he married each of his previous wives in four months. I didn’t know the man from Adam and he was a nice guy and respectful person. He wanted to have a chaperone when we saw one another and didn’t like to spend idle time on the phone…because of the fitna that could have come about. I didn’t feel the same way, as I was unsure how you could really get to know someone via e-mail. But I respected his level of faith and agreed. But the pressure to marry without really knowing much about him didn’t fly for me.
I could go on and on with stories about random men that have approached me, but I won’t. However, I will say this…my age has had no bearing on what I think a good person is. If anything, it has helped me to truly gain a better understanding of who I am and what I need in a spouse.
The truth is that there needs to be a real dialogue between men and women about the search for a spouse. All women know are their experiences and those of other women. And if all the articles written by women about their experiences carry a certain tone, there has to be some truth in that. If you feel differently, you need to make it known, men.
On a different note, I would like to know why there are so many seemingly eligible men out there that are still single???
Honestly
April 13, 2009 at 5:11 am
Dear Azaad, Thank you for the article – a very interesting read. I would kindly like to differ on a fundamental point though – women are not rejecting suitors based on a distinction between what she believes is a good or bad man but rather on what she knows is compatible or incompatible. I have met some very good men who I would readily suggest to friends but would not personally consider for marriage largely due to mental, intellectual and personality incompatibility. I know that if I were to marry any such man, i would lead my life quite unfulfilled and unhappy, which in turn would be unfair to and unfulfilling for him.
Unfortunately, and due to a number of factors including stricter parental discipline, Muslim women have developed both intellectually and characteristically at a level quite different to Muslim men. This has caused a rift a little too wide for the two parties to come together without having to travel a collision course.
I do not blame men and I do not blame women – but what we do need to do now is identify where the community has gone wrong and start to rectify this.
Fatima
April 15, 2009 at 9:19 am
You are right on many accounts Azaad, however its simply not true that all these women in their 20′s are rejecting ‘good men’, though some certainly are. I’m in my 20′s as many of my friends are, and well… where are the proposals??
There arent any to reject, because men will only consider beautiful women. So for us not so beautiful women, we are left to dream of a fulfilling marriage in Jannah Inshallah, cause it doesnt seem like it’ll be happening anytime soon in this life.
T
April 15, 2009 at 11:26 am
The article hit the nail in the head!
You don’t exactly see men complaining about “the lack of good women”. The thing is that many of these problems can be applied to women but we don’t say it. We men just continue with our lives, accept the situation as it is and take what comes our way, and then thank Allah Most High.
loveProphet
April 15, 2009 at 11:42 am
Some musings:
1) Converts and indigenous Muslims are a whole other story, this article is mainly addressing transitional generation immigrant marital issues, so I’ll do the same.
2) Education and work (and especially wages) in a socially, economically, and politically near-level playing field between the genders increases the likelihood that marriage-seeking will be offset by a few years by females (compared to the parent generation’s averages).
Coupled with a (continued) lack of foresight (on part of the parental generation) about the importance of the transitional generation having grounded and happy marriages, education and work can also provide welcome distractions to the impending crisis of where to find a spouse.
3) Given that Muslims value permissible outlets to sexual expression, at least on average, men – with higher statistical sex drives at a younger age and more social encouragement to marry upon job placement and graduation – still tend to get married with a sense of urgency for the passage of time. (A common phrase in many male social circles: Dude, I need to get married.)
Muslim women, on average, though not free of their own sexual desires, likely do not face this exact urgency that men experience (at least not until early 30s) and can therefore be preoccupied with work and school much more easily than guys. A few years can pass for them in this fashion. In that time, their peer males will likely secure ‘prospects’.
4) Men marry outside of Muslim women and outside the country with greater facility and acceptance than women, (the former situation due in no small part to what is some may argue to be an abuse of a juristic allowance to marry outside of the religion, while the latter is more a function of backwards parenting – on average).
5) Social stigmas surrounding divorced women exist (unfairly) in our community, I’m certain. Men experience this less.
6) The idea of women proposing to men and (even – gasp!) to younger men does not enjoy the type of widespread acceptance one would think it should. This is both a male AND a female problem. Women don’t dream of marrying younger men and many men’s families would never find such a proposal palatable anyways.
Final thoughts:
Women AND men are too picky. Men tend to marry just a little younger, but sometimes a lot younger, and can do so domestically or abroad, inside AND outiside the religion and use looks as a major factor; they also have a greater tendency to destroy one or more females en route to finding ‘the one’; women are keen on social graces at the expense of religiosity in a lot of cases, but to be fair, religiosity doesn’t not a perfect husband define. More significantly, women work and go to school and offset traditionally held ages of marriage, even if such figures are statistically untrue in the immigrant generation.
Solution!
I called this an immigrant issue, but it’s statistically probable it’s a South Asian and (somewhat) Arab immigrant issue. We must do three things:
1) Marry regardless of race (esp. with black Muslims) and family religious history;
2) accept spousal prospects who have been divorced; and,
3) not allow age to determine worthiness of pursuit for marriage.
All this is useless without taking personal religious improvement seriously on a regular basis.
Unlikely
April 15, 2009 at 10:39 pm
To the comment above mine,
Maybe the reason why you don’t see men complaining about ‘the lack of good women’ is because…
there are lots of good women out there.
Unfortunately, the women are not so lucky. So it’s very easy for you to talk about ‘accepting the situation as it is’, but that’s because you really don’t have a situation to complain about.
F
April 15, 2009 at 11:12 pm
HEY PEOPLE. listen. ive been on blogs like these for the past 3 years till the point i got sick of it. so today im just going to be pragmatic and offer solutions.
1. sisters who think the problem is because of numbers – number of females outweigh number of males.
its really simple. Men have the right to marry up to four women. thats his God-given right. so, MAKE USE OF IT!!!! go for the good brothers who are already married! and no, its not unpractical. its completely feasible. and brothers, look at all the >30y.o sisters out there still unmarried. WE NEED TO HELP OUT! and besides, its sunnah!
2. sisters, you are annoyed the brothers are marrying outside of the faith or going “back-home” to get married?? well ok, you cannot marry outside of the faith. so sad. but hey, WHO IS STOPPING YOU FROM GOING BACK HOME??? there are so many marriage potentials back there. so many good brothers who could be given a good shot at the american dream, education, and a good wife like yourself! why deny them? its time sisters rise up and show to those brothers that they are not the only ones who can just “go back home” whenever they feel like!! (YES WE CAN!!)
for those sisters who are too scared about the whole idea of the “back home” boys. well. as i said, a good brother can be legally shared by up to 4!
3. sisters who are >30y.o. Listen. at this point in time, you’ve probably already realized that you can no longer afford to be picky, as you used to be in your early 20′s. Let me tell you of another group of people who cannot really afford to be too picky. GUYS in their early 20′s, who are desperate to get married. in fact they are just the type of brothers you are looking for, in terms of piety and good manners and everything -really good stuff. some of them are more mature than brothers nearing their 30′s. THATS A FACT. the only problem is…they are younger than you!! hehe. and oh, they are probably still in college or just out with not much going for them, sitting mercilessly facing the recession and economic crisis. and as someone said here, sisters don’t really dream of younger guys. but again, you CANNOT afford to be picky. and nor can those guys. so here’s my idea.
WHY DONT THOSE >30 SISTERS JUST PROPOSE TO THOSE <25 BROTHERS????
and this really is my favorite part. because, in all those blog articles ive read, there’s always sisters who will mention how Khadeeja R.A proposed to the Prophet pbuh and she was a businesswoman and they had a great life etc etc (serving to illustrate their point that its ok to be an emancipated “career-women” who have beauty,education,money and everything,i.e they deserve to “have it all”).
so…WHY DONT YOU SISTERS JUST FOLLOW SUIT?????? not on the career aspect. but on the age one. and being proactive and proposing!! hah.
following her example would be a very good solution to the current marriage crisis. Propose to the brother who is out of college and going “duuude i need married real baaad”. help him with his college loans, be with him until he eventually finds a good stable job and try to treat him like Khadeeja R.A treated the Prophet pbuh. THEN YOU COME AND TALK ABOUT THIS HADEETH.
And trust me sisters, most brothers (in that situation) are not going to refuse.
Ok, those were my 3 proposals. and although some people might think i was being sarcastic and joking, in fact they are actual concrete steps that could be taken in these difficult times. and they are all right from the sunnah.
I just realized i had to go back and edit and remove a lot of mean and sarcastic comments towards the brothers and (mostly) the sisters. but that was just my anger and frustration transpiring, after having to see the same things being said over and over again, year after year. without anything changing. just “we need to change this, we need to change that, they need to stop thinking like this,” etc etc.
On another note,
Black_sheep
April 16, 2009 at 1:46 am
On another note, the above were some proposals that people can incorporate at the individual level. there are things that we NEED to take up as a COMMUNITY. from my personal observation and experience, here are the 3 main problems that the muslims as a whole need to address:
1. Parents.
Culturally(as opposed to islamically)-bound parents. in my view, they are problem number one. if anyone disagrees and wants to debate, i am open for it, just speak. they are the number one cause for the marriage crisis.
solution: education. campaigns. free booklets that kids can give to their moms and pops. educate parents and show them how far away they are from the sunnah, and how much harm they have caused to society. the parents whose daughters are 40 and unmarried (or leading double lives and go to abortion clinics) should SPEAK OUT. and talk about their experiences. because they are facing the punishment for their foolish and un-islamic attitudes of the past (“i will accept ONLY a doctorrr orr a lawyerrrr forr my daughter”). when a parent sees his/her daughter lonely and unhappy (or whoring around), he/she SUFFERS.
(sorry for the rant).
2. Islamic education.
for prospects brothers and sisters.
if we were well aware of the fiqh of love and marriage, and the sunnah and the behavior of the companions (males and females) of the prophet, more than 50% of the problems we are facing would be solved. in fact, we would not even be wasting time doing all this talk here.
3. A proper interface for meeting.
THis requires people with ideas to get together and develop strategies. for example something as basic as a central, FREE online system, where everyone goes to when he/she needs marriage. that connects every islamic organizations and every mosques in america. where not only potential mates but parents/walis as well have to register. also requires investment from our organizations.
And thats just one idea, we can have tons of these.
Ive noticed many organizations and individuals trying to solve #2 and #3. Many great accomplishments with regards to islamic education on marriage, but with regards to #1 and #3 nothing really significant so far.
Black_sheep
April 16, 2009 at 2:12 am
Now the issue is of getting these views across to a large audience. I’m sure that most of my cousins and relatives won’t know of such suggestions.
Also get such initiatives into the head of the parents, start a chain reaction!
loveProphet
April 16, 2009 at 8:46 am
The problem as I see it is that there are more educated and practising women than there are men in this day and age. Women want a husband with both a good education and also with sound religious knowledge put in practise. What I’ve found in my search for marriage so far, and I’m far off from 30 yet, is that educated and successful men just want trophy wives! education, beauty, confidence. They SAY they want women who know their religion – but run at the first sight of a hijaab! I’ve had so many guys reject me just because they have stereotyped hijaab-clad women and their lifestyles. As if all women with hijaabs live the same lives! We’re extremely boring, lack style and beauty and have no ‘life experience’ – whatever they define that as.
What I want is an educated and financially stable man, with a good Muslim lifestyle, who wants to marry a pracitising sister…unfortunately I haven’t come across many of these.
purpledew
May 17, 2009 at 10:58 am
Yes I suppose there isn’t a lot of educated AND practicing men around as there are women. I should know. For whatever reason or other I have not finished my college education. Not having a degree caused me a few rejections that otherwise probably would not have been. I am working on it but it may take awhile and top it off I am of the 30+ crowd. Just like the women who bemoan of their plight on the other side is men who bemoan too. We are also lonely, dishearten, and down right sexually frustrated. We are both a big mess. Myself to avoid the pains of loneliness and temptation of zina have looked overseas where I found a good sister who’s bar isn’t has high and is willing to work with a brother while I achieve my goals. In the end when I get my degree and all, those other sisters will wish they didn’t pass me up, but the one I have will be fine enough because she was there thick and thin. I think soon whether good or not, men period may not be around due to looking over seas or marrying Christian women, allahu alam.
Ali
May 23, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Salam aliekum…
This was a very interesting article. I’m in the “over 30″ single woman crowd, though I didn’t become muslim until I was 26. I can’t go “back home” because I *AM* home… an American Muslim Convert. Nobody knows any single muslim men in my area. I’ve thought to be married a few times, but they always give in to family pressure to an arranged marriage, or in one case married a sister so he could remain in Canada and avoid half of family pressing for an arranged marriage that he’d have to face were he to have married me. Age does not matter to me, so long as the brother is mature. I do want somebody educated, a hard worker, religious in order to support me in Islam, but also somebody that shares some interests with me. It seems I find only brothers that we get along perfectly… but they are non-practicing Muslims (some even drink and smoke!). Or we get along great religiously… but we have nothing else in common at all. There is no middle ground.
Shawna
October 6, 2009 at 3:04 pm
there is another side to all of this… that of social engineering in the americas. anyone familiar with the infamous “silent weapons for quiet wars” bilderberg social engineering program will recognize this is not a “Muslim” problem. This program is fruit of the same tree that has produces the enormous divorce rate, the sexually promiscuous youth, the dogmatic acceptance of gay behavior as normal, and a slew of other reversals of the natural oder. This is not a muslim problem.
The economy has been manipulated to make it so that from 50 years ago, the living standard once upheld by one salary now requires two salaries. Thus, woman, in tandem with the economic reality, have believed the very deceptive lies of feminism and have sought after the financial means to fend for themselves through education and career development. Feminism, contrary to the popular misconception, was not a grass roots liberation of the oppressed female, but in reality a CIA controlled social engineering program designed to give people a newspeak-esq vocabulary that would help them articulate and facilitate social changes being forced upon them by the elites. Gloria Stienem, the spearhead of the feminist movement, was a CIA agent, and as editor or the famous “Ms.” magazine, was able to spread the propaganda of feminism throughout the country. The other side of this coin is the PLAYBOY psychology forced on male minds at a young age, which encourages the free, irresponsible “sex for pleasures sake” type of lifestyle that has infected the minds of millions. Although Islam is a bulwark against these social movements, the muslims have been affected by them as well, although to varying degrees.
————————
… sisters, brothers,… it gets far more complicated, but understand this : there is more going on than meets the eye, and your predicaments are not totally your own fault.
watch “The Arrivals”… and look into the CIA/Feminist Connection
the answer
October 24, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I started to look for a husband at a young age and was turned down due to my disability so you can’t possibly tell me that there is a good muslim man because there is isn’t
Blah Blah
October 24, 2009 at 11:54 pm
People these days are too picky, men and women. they then to look for the flashy men, when you don’t have you cannot get.
Imtiaz
November 30, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Salaams,
Every case of an unmarried single muslim female is different. I’m 31 and single. I never turned down a single suitor (I didnt have any and didnt date at all)in my 20s and when the opportunity arose recently to get married I agreed and was preparing for the wedding until the respectable muslim man backed out on me before the wedding day! (Im not ugly or strange by the way, reading this I sound like I must be). But I know Allah knows best and has His plans for me, I just have to keep looking and be patient, make dua, be grateful and take the opportunities given.
I guess thats what works for me.
Zaynab
April 4, 2010 at 9:12 pm
i agree with black sheep…POLYGYNY works.
asiila
May 31, 2010 at 2:03 am